5 ways to support a friend or family member after a cancer diagnosis

A cancer diagnosis can shatter your world – even if it’s not yourself, but someone close to you.

Anyone diagnosed with cancer is likely to experience anger, fear, loneliness and sadness.  And when a friend or loved one is going through this, you too may also be gripped by similar emotions while trying to support them on their difficult journey.

“Depending on the specific type of cancer diagnosis, your friend or family member is about to go through a profound experience, regardless of their prognosis,” says Jonathan Nel, a clinical psychologist at Mediclinic Morningside. The emotional impact of the diagnosis as well as their treatment is certain to leave them feeling scared, fatigued and overwhelmed. Some things that used to come easily will now seem daunting; the roles they effortlessly filled may seem alien or difficult. Supporting your loved one in processing this new reality is difficult, but not impossible, with the right advice:

1. Be honest

Not sure what to say to your friend or loved one? Tell them. They’re likely to appreciate this far more than your attempt at jollying them out of their mood or giving false reassurances. The reality is that this is a difficult situation, and no one can be certain of the outcome. Sugar-coating the situation may leave them feeling as though they’re not being heard, which will only contribute to their sense of loneliness and isolation.

2. Be present

Not knowing what to say is fine, because it’s possible to show your support without words. Cancer can be a very isolating experience: often, patients feel alone, as if everyone is continuing with their own lives while they face a series of terrifying obstacles. You can’t remove those obstacles, but you can be present while they process what is happening.

“At this point, your presence is the most important gift you can give,” Nel says. “A short visit before they get too tired shows you really care. “Be sure to work your visits around the patient, though: phone first to find out if they’re up to seeing people, and check that your visit fits in with their treatment schedule. Also, be realistic in your expectations. It’s highly likely that your visit will consist of sitting quietly together, perhaps watching their favourite series, rather than having your usual animated chats. Reassure them that there’s no pressure to talk or entertain you.

3. Be practical

Cancer patients often feel exhausted and uncomfortable, from their treatment as much as from the disease itself. This may leave them with limited capacity to complete their usual chores. Rather than asking if there’s some way you can help, order a meal delivery service or cleaning service, ask what time their children finish school so you can provide lifts, or run a load of laundry when you visit. Do they need help with their pets or any administrative issues? Often the medical bills need someone to oversee the process. Or simply remind them that if they later think of something they need help with, to let you know.

4. Be realistic

Your friend or family member may change a lot from the time they receive their diagnosis and undergo treatment. Many of these changes will be physical: they may not have as much strength or energy as they used to, for example. Their diagnosis may also have prompted them to reflect on their relationships and what matters to them, so their priorities may have changed. Either way, try to give them grace to accommodate these changes, whether that means they prefer to spend more time at home or no longer hold the same interests as they used to.

5. Be inclusive

Cancer patients often feel their diagnosis has defined them in some way, making them different to everyone else. And while you might not understand their journey, you can remind them that they’re not travelling it alone. Be sure to check in with them regularly with a brief phone call or text, letting them know you’ll see them soon – and then keeping that promise. When making plans, give them the option to join in, rather than presuming that they’ll have no interest. Having said that, if they do not show interest in something, don’t force them to engage. End every visit with a hug or a touch, so they know they’re loved and valued.

“Finally, remember to look after your own needs during this difficult time. A cancer diagnosis has a ripple effect. It’s important that everyone involved gets the support they need. You too will need support when standing by a loved one through this very difficult time,” Nel advises.

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