Living with someone who has depression

Depression: Providing support to someone you live with

Supporting a person who is suffering with depression is difficult, especially if it’s someone in your home. Mediclinic experts explain how you can be a source of support while protecting your own wellbeing.

What do you do if someone you live with is depressed? They may be withdrawn, angry, uninterested in anything, sleep too much, be unable to sleep, or show other distressing symptoms. You want to offer support but may feel helpless – even more so if the person is not getting better.

Supporting someone with depression

Perhaps you’re worried if what you’re doing is effective, or possibly even harmful. Taking care of someone else as well as yourself is emotionally taxing and finding the correct balance adds to an already overwhelming situation. That said, there are practical ways to support the person affected while maintaining your boundaries and practising self-care.

Showing support is often a way of letting a depressed person know that you care.

As a first step, it’s helpful to have a basic knowledge of depression and its symptoms so you can understand what the person is going through. This will give you a clearer idea of how you can help. “People who battle with depression may express or display some level of helplessness. You can extend comfort to them by offering practical help, especially if you notice evidence of self-neglect,” explains Karabo Mamogale, a clinical psychologist at Mediclinic Welkom.

Listening is important

The way you communicate can also make a difference. “Use statements like ‘I can see today was hard on you’ or ‘Can I take that task off your hands?’ to show support, instead of ‘You’re always tired’ or ‘You never do what you're supposed to do’,” says Zelda Buitendag, a clinical psychologist based at Mediclinic Limpopo.

Hold space for the depressed person, which means you offer support with an open mind and listen to them. “​​Try to avoid the urge to ‘fix’ them,” says Mamogale. “Allow them room to process their perceptions and feelings without judgment.”

How to practise self-care

Caring for a person you live with is commendable, but it’s important to take care of yourself too. People often find themselves in “rescue mode” when supporting a loved one through depression, and then find that their own tank is empty. “Be aware of your own emotional capacity and limitations so you don’t overextend yourself,” advises Mamogale.

To accommodate your limitations, you need to implement clear boundaries by working out much time you have available for the person with depression. “You may say, ‘I would love doing that for you, but I have a meeting in the morning. Can I assist you this afternoon with it?’ or ‘How about I do this/that after I return from the gym?’” suggests Buitendag.

Seek help from a mental health professional

Emotional boundaries may include recognising that you can’t be both a loved one and a therapist, says Mamogale. Explain to the person why it’s best for them to see a mental health professional. “In addition, never tolerate exploitation or any form of abusive behaviour,” she cautions.

Mamogale also recommends that you seek professional help for yourself when you find you’re struggling. You may feel drained, stressed or even saddened by watching someone close to you in pain. It’s important to be aware of and acknowledge these feelings so you know when to get professional assistance. Never be ashamed about this. Remember that protecting your mental wellbeing is crucial when you’re supporting someone else.

Mediclinic is prioritising mental wellbeing by making mental health services more accessible to the broader community. We have dedicated mental health units in Welkom, George, Newcastle, Pretoria, Legae, and Cape Town. Smaller in-hospital care options also exist within some of the acute facilities.